What up?

Well... hello. It's been awhile. Maybe, too long. But, probably not. Writing has always been something I had to feel. Unless it was a paper for a class or story for the newspaper in my former life as a sportswrite, writing has never been something I could force. It has always been an itch I had to scratch. No itch meant no need to scratch. So... for whatever reason, I have an itch to write again. It was been more than three years since I last posted on here. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same in that time. I am still a single dad with four beautiful daughters. They are now 15, 13, 11 and 9. It's crazy to think that they were just out of the toddler stage when I first started this blog. I have

On most birthdays, I am reflective. I look back on the past year and find fault in nearly everything I have done and promise not to make the same mistakes.

Not this year.

I turned 40 yesterday and it was undoubtly the best birthday I have had as an adult. Instead of reflecting, I sat back and enjoyed my day at work, enjoyed my four daughters, and had found great peace in the time that I spent with Jen.

It couldn't have gone any better. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am truly happy. I have everything that I could possibly want at this time in my life.

Despite major budget concerns, I still have a great job. I have great kids that still drive me nuts, however, I wouldn't want it any other way. And, I have a meaningful, loving relationship with a woman who allows me to be me.

As great as all those things are, the most important aspect of my happiness falls directly on the fact that I am content and happy with myself as a person. There is no better feeling to have.

I recently ran into a friend who used to read my blog when I posted on a regular basis and he ended our conversation with a question. His question was simply, "Coach, why don't you blog anymore? You used to write all the time and I really enjoyed your shit."

Seems like an easy enough question to answer, however, I was stumped. It is isn't because I am too busy with work or being a single father. I probably have more free time than ever since I stepped down as my school's head football coach in December.

The answer came as I was driving home and it was answer that I hadn't expected. Simply put, I don't post as much now because I no longer need the affirmation that I received from the readers with their comments and emails after I finished a post.

When I started blogging, I was in a relationship with a woman that I loved dearly. However, the relationship was unfulfilling for us both as we never seemed able to find time for eachother. There were other issues, however, it came down to the simple fact that neither of us were truly getting what we wanted or needed in a relationship.

Also during the start of my blogging experience, the constant losing in football made others and myself constantly questioning my ability as a coach and left me miserable more times than not. It was ugly for me in every sense of the word, as my feelings of self-worth centered around what we did on the football field and how people thought of me as a coach.

While myself and a lot of the other people ridiculed me on a daily basis on my team's performances, people who read my blog had no problem complimenting my writing and complimenting me as a father, and with it, I felt good about myself again.

I fed off the comments and would run to the computer at all times of the day, hoping someone left me a comment. It felt good to feel good again about something I was doing.

Two years later, I don't need any one else to make me feel good about myself. All I need to do is look at the relationships I have with my kids, my students, my co-workers, and with Jen, and that is all the affirmation I need now.

If there is anything that I would like to change from yesterday to my next birthday, it is this: I want to blog again on a consistent basis. This time around, I am going to blog because I enjoy writing and I enjoyed getting to know so many of you who I would still consider friends.

Hell... this time around, you don't even have to leave me a comment.

I remember when I used to get on here and no problem writing a post. It was easy for me and I had plenty of material.

More than two years after I started a blog, finishing a post has become a fruitless endeavor. Every few days I start one, only to veer off my page and start surfing the web never to return.

Giving the bird to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

Let me to take a minute to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. You picked the day before my girls were to go back to school to blanket my Southern California desert town with snow. Thank you so much for that. I was so looking forward to driving them to school, opening the passenger door, throwing them out, and heading home for a day of quiet and doing nothing. But, no. At 8 p.m., the school called with an automated message confirming my fears that there would be no school. And, with the way California schools react to the oddity of snow, they will more than likely cancel school again Tuesday. I cannot wait to have them come in and out of the house all day long, bringing with them wet clothes, snowballs, every kid on the block, and requests for hot chocolate. Ahh, and to do it on a day that I already had off. You couldn't wait till next Monday, the first day I was to be back in the classroom. Nope, you decide to really mess with me. So, thank you. Thank you very much you selfish bitch.

Sincerely,

Coach

Finding perspective just in time

It's time to start writing again. It has been too long.

A lot has happened since I last posted with any regularity. Life changing events that I may or may not get into at a later date. What I will say is that I am glad to be back.

It has been too long.

Christmas is tomorrow and I couldn't be happier. All four of my daughters, my brother and sister-in-law, two of Jen's kids, and her sister and mother will all be at my house for dinner tonight. Jen and I no doubt will be going nuts with all the company, yet, neither of us would have it any other way.

The fact that Jen and her kids will be over is a huge victory for me. I almost lost her two months ago. Seems she could no longer handle my inability to handle coaching football in the no-win situation I was in.

I got so bad during this last football season that I alienated every one I worked for, with, and those who worked under me. And, in the process, I forgot those who were most important, my girls and Jen.

My girls never really complained. They continued to go to practice day after day with me and put up with my yelling at them for not leaving me alone while I coached. They did it in weather that ranged from hotter than hell in the late summer, to colder than shit in the early winter.

And, they have done it their whole lives while never complaining that my career has kept them from playing youth sports, taking piano lessons, or cheer leading for their schools with their friends. To them, me coaching football was what WE did as a family. But, it shouldn't be that way.

I should be the one in the stands watching them.

It took looking over at my girls during a practice in late October, bundled up and huddled together while trying to do their homework, that it was time for a change. And that change meant that Coachdad was about to be just Dad.

Ironically, a week after I made my decision to walk away from the only job I have ever wanted, Jen informed me that she would be moving out in November. I was told I allowed the job to affect me to the point that she can no longer handle being around me and that for her own sanity, she had to leave.



Thankfully, she didn't leave. I was able to convince her that the Brett that she fell in love would be back. The Brett that had perspective, that was able to put family and loved ones ahead of everything else, and the Brett that was able to make her laugh endlessly.

That Brett is still here and isn't going anywhere. And, like I said earlier, I am glad to be back.

I am sitting here staring at my computer screen wanting to punch a hole right through it. It seems it is all I do now.

Sit and stare at it and hope that words will magically appear in front of me. But, night after night, it doesn't happen. Instead, I succomb to my inability to get anything started, click off Microsoft Word, and start surfing the web.

When I started a blog in 2009, I thought I was doing it because I missed writing. I had written professionally for newspapers off and on for 12 years and and missed the rush of turning an empty screen into a 12- to 30-inch story in 30 minutes.

What have I realized over the last few months though is what I like the most